Why do we want everyone to like us?


Walter Riso, a psychologist with millions of followers, encourages breaking off ties that block change: “The quest for personal dignity means to stop being a subject who has things to say and has the right to be heard. ”

Walter Riso, popular author and doctor of psychology.  Specialist in Cognitive Therapy and Master in Bioethics.
Walter Riso, popular author and doctor of psychology. Specialist in Cognitive Therapy and Master in Bioethics.Angel Navarrete
  • questionnaire Walter Riso’s Secret Agenda
  • Interview “We don’t live, we watch life go on”

“Many people have felt that they are only Robot dressed in fashion. Personality should be above self-respect, because the development of free personality comes from that singularity.” famous doctor of psychologyWalter Riso (Naples, Italy, 1951), lecturer and author, dozens of published books and more than three million Internet users are attentive to his advice on social networks.

well, in his last job he invites to be A black sheep in a world full of sheep. Courage to be who you are (even if you don’t like it) A guide for rebels who love their individuality (Ed. Planet / Zenith). “I collected over 40,000 consultation hours and realized that most of my discharge came from Four anchors: Self-recovery, an end to paying tribute to models of power who believe they are greater than you, breaking from the stream to which the majority pushes you and giving up conformity”.

So a manual came out that relied on what it called a rebellion is healthy: “If they crush you with conventions that don’t make sense. If they block you because they force you to look outside instead of inside. If they bash you because your superiors in interpersonal relationships think you That they are better because they have more money or status If you are dragged into the hive of a crowd… we are going wrong. break plans and stop being obedient to death. When you don’t want to say no, don’t say yes. Blind obedience is as bad as mad disobedience.”

Mental health problems are being talked about like never before. Depression, anxiety and even suicides are appearing in the media, in the mouths of celebrities and are becoming commonplace in social networks, where everything is happiness. Has the debate spread in the society or is it treated as a fad?
It has always been surprising to me that mental illness is not so much talked about in Spain, but as strong as isolation in the face of collective adversity, for which we are not prepared, managing stress and anxiety a lot. Its difficult. At the same time, there is a crisis of values ​​in this extreme situation. People start giving up on things they thought weren’t important. Couples start having problems and the scale of priorities changes. In the face of the fuel of uncertainty, taboo topics come to the fore. Data indicates that relationship problems, panic disorders, eating disorders, post-traumatic syndromes … have increased. Humanity has realized that the ego that technology was going to make us invincible is not like that. The pandemic has put our feet on the ground.
Would you propose a topic of self-knowledge in the study plans?
Definitely. If you go to a bookstore, all the self help shelves present you with a world of pink. They forget the thorns. It’s all very tempting, because they keep telling you about a happiness that doesn’t exist. I believe more on fixed times and you are responsible for what you do with your life, but you have to fight and put effort into it. The socialization agencies, which are schools, universities, religious groups… are conditioning you, instilling fear in you to conform to certain norms. But non-conformity is the factor we must deal with the most in psychology to reduce people’s vulnerability. That self, that essence or personality has to be worked out.
What do you mean when you say we give our ‘I’ to the group?
When a friend tells you that you have great hair, your ego goes up and you feel good. On the other hand, if they criticize your hairstyle, you get depressed. It’s giving up on itself so that everyone else can make it. However, this must be our own task. Others should not validate me, but me.
So are you concerned that teens are built on the throes of ‘choice’?
This is one of the worst things about social media. Young people have further lost the ability to relate to other people. I am no one’s teacher, I seriously want to spread health, and I always repeat this before I follow you: There is a big difference between worshiping and praising. When you admire, you are inspired by the characteristics to create your own style. When you worship, you pay tribute, you subdue and corrupt yourself, lose yourself in imitation.
Do you think ‘influencers’ are good idols to inspire?
Even the politicians are on Tiktok and the future President goes out dancing for five seconds. These networks separate us from the real, so I propose an exercise to break away from the virtual, even for a day, to develop critical thinking with our own norms. We can participate in these groups but cannot become a sect where we only know how to imitate. You have to make your own revolution.
Is this ‘revolutionary’ effort for women the same as for men?
If the world was run by women, everything would be better. What I am saying is not populism, it is that women tend to be more caring and empathetic. I have two daughters and two sisters, most of my patients, students and readers are women and I have a very strong inner woman. I think it will obviously be more difficult for women to take control of their lives as rights are tilted the other way, even though interesting progress is being made. But they are warriors, they have a complex and interesting mind, and they should not be underestimated. Furthermore, they are much more polite when it comes to asking for help, and we psychologists know this very well.
Since you’re a teenager and you choose the career your father likes, you don’t feel complete until you’re older and if you’re not a mother or have a partner. Why do we want the approval of others more than ourselves?
We are not educated to govern ourselves, or to the idea of ​​personal dignity, that we are the judges of our conduct. Selfishness is bad, because we are only interested in ourselves and the rest doesn’t matter, but what happens if we mix autonomy with solidarity? I love you and I love myself, I take care of you and I take care of myself. You are not more important than me, I am as important as you. Many a times, for fear of falling into a giant personality, and we as parents ourselves fall into it, we orient ourselves outwards. Applause, what others think… But that will change and what they say will no longer be a problem. In fact, at other times it was worse and now young people have values ​​towards self-realization and inner freedom. One should not be selfish in the pursuit of good, but should develop an independent personality.
What happens if we do what we want instead of what we really want?
That you undermine yourself and they do to you what they want. A strong person is consistent and knows what he needs. He follows his principles. The wolf is not in the circus like the tiger and the lion, because he does not allow himself to be tamed. You have to be more attentive if it’s worth it.
We have more and more tasks: family, work, going to the gym … We walk like zombies all our lives, always running. What should I do to apply the brakes?
Simple things like going slow anywhere. That way you are not late. Enjoy more of the senses, which are exploited because they only look outside, at applause and consumerism. If you help yourself then you will be able to help others. If you walk the street like a crazy person, like a robot dressed in fashion, you’ll never ask yourself important questions.

Five Tips from Walter Riso

Forget about carrying the ‘I can’t’ flag before trying.

  • bridge achievable target, “Not poor, always by effort, but it can be done, because to believe that we can do everything is foolishness.”
  • See every obstacle as a challenge, “No matter how good or bad it is, it’s important to try.”
  • wake up every time, “It’s uncomfortable, but there can be no courage if we don’t face fear. You have to understand that only fools don’t make mistakes. Include them as a growth factor.”
  • don’t compare yourself, “Comparison destroys. Why do it with others and not with yourself? You have to try to be better than yesterday, and if you take one step back, take three forward.”
  • stop being embarrassed, “Say I don’t know and laugh at what other people think. To say I don’t know is to love each other. Too free.”

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